Where in the Heck Have I Been?

I've been on the dirt road, getting run over by the wagon. That's where I have been. So, what happened?

The weekend happened. Ah, the weekend. The cliché of the stringent dieter. The weekend totally knocked me off my routine and ran me over. The weekend extended into "I don't give a shit Monday because it's hard enough to deal with Monday let alone trying to run and jump back onto the wagon". Am I trying to make excuses? Nah. But I am trying to explain. And I do feel stupid for having been sucked into the weekend mentality.

So, let's start on Friday, shall we? Friday I was actually amazingly well behaved. After work I was set to have dinner and drinks with friends and then we moved on to a wine tasting. At dinner we shared a plate of nachos and maybe the salsa had sugar in it but who could really say for sure? I tried not to have too much of it. At the wine tasting I was extremely well behaved. Of course I had wine! But I had zero chocolates or sweet things they had out. The closest to the border I got was Stilton flavored with cranberries and another Stilton flavored with oranges. (The orange Stilton was delicious, by the way!) I will call Friday a total smashing success for a fun night out with the girls.

On Saturday I woke up late and ran around like a crazy person in the morning trying to get my son to his art lesson. I didn't eat as well as I should have, meaning I wasn't as regimented in my eating every 3-4 hours. My son and his art teacher had picked up these gourmet cheesecake and chocolate cupcakes while visiting the art museum. The smell of them in the car was absolute torture! He bought one for me and I reminded him that I had quit sugar. "Oh, sorry," he said. Poor kid. I started cooking dinner (pork stew) around 4:30. Of course I had to open a bottle of wine to do so. Soon I had consumed the whole bottle, minus what I put in the stew. In my semi-inebriated state I decided to cut the aforementioned Cupcake of Doom in quarters and try some. I tried less than a quarter and, to my surprise, it tasted awful! Hooray! Success, right? Perhaps. I went to bed after eating some chips from Switzerland (I couldn't read the ingredients but the sugar content - I can read the word "sucre" - was very low).

Sunday was much in the same vein as Saturday. I did have sugar because I had a breath mint and then a butterscotch hard candy at night. I went to the Rufus Wainwright concert, had some vodka, and then had the mint so as not to have vodka breath on my fellow concertgoers. I had the butterscotch after the concert but before I got to the car (and my water) to moisten my mouth. I really should find a good sugar-free alternative for breath mints.

Monday was a complete f-ing disaster. I was all set to have a salad for lunch but the refrigerator here at work is turned to the coldest setting so my salad, which had sat in the fridge all weekend and should have been fine, was half frozen and crappy. Instead of being sensible I went to McDonald's. And then I went again after work. And then I made Tuna Helper for dinner and had that. Yes, friends, I am hanging my head in shame. Monday was not a good food day for me.

BUT!

Instead of wallowing and letting the bad eating choices plague me and weigh (har har) me down I have taken a running start today and am jumping back on that wagon even if it is rolling along at 45 MPH. So far today I have had a string cheese first thing in the morning and then an orange once I got to work around 8. It's almost 10 and my stomach is telling me it's time to eat. I'm going to make a yogurt parfait. I have brought my lunch (Cedarlane's Enchilada Pie) so all should be okay there.

I'll try to post tonight so I can stay on that wagon.

Day 2 - Afternoon

Well, first let's start with the morning. About an hour after I ate breakfast I got the sweats and the shakes. That was not fun. My body was firmly protesting its lack of sugar. I knew I had consumed enough calories but ate a small handful of unsalted almonds anyway. Finally, it stopped. I had a meeting to go to and after the meeting I had a lowfat string cheese and a medium honey crisp apple. (BTW, are those not the best apples ever?!)

I was definitely getting hungry around noon. Lunchtime was upon us. This morning I grabbed another Amy's entree out of the freezer at home. It was Indian Mattar Paneer. I've decided not to bore you with the ingredient list but rest assured there was nary a sweetener in sight. I love this frozen meal, actually. I've got to cut down on those and I will tomorrow. (I'm making extra chicken thighs tonight.) I am also having one of my last Diet Pepsis.

So, why am I sugar addicted in the first place? I wish I could tell you. I have a long and painful history with food. I can remember sneaking food as early as probably 10 or 11. I would sneak cookies, chips, ice cream, etc. Our family was lower to mid-middle class and my parents definitely tried to shave items off the budget if at all possible. They didn't (and still don't, actually) have snack foods cluttering up the pantry or refrigerator. What was in our food supply was actually needed for breakfasts, lunches, or dinners. I'm not trying to say we were starving or destitute or even unspoiled children. In fact, we would occasionally be given a candy bar if we should happen to venture out with dad. It's just that my parents didn't keep candy, chips, etc. around. They don't do that even now and it's not due to lack of funds for America's finest snack products. They're just not big snackers. Even as recently as last week I was a food sneaker. I'm trying not to be. It's not a good thing and it has a sense of shame associated with it. Even last week I stopped at McDonald's for a "large value meal #2 with a Diet Coke". I'd eat it on the way to pick up my daughter and then dispose of the refuse without - hopefully - letting my husband or kids know I'd eaten it. As I write this down it seems crazy to me that I did that. After all, I'm a grown woman and I can eat whatever the hell I want to eat. My husband is not some ogre who is obsessed with having a thin wife who doesn't eat McDonald's. Chances are good he probably doesn't care if I eat McDonald's. So why do I do it?

That's a deep question. I think the reasons are many. I have been super stressed out due to work and home transitions over the past couple of months. I always seem to think that eating will help me feel better. Eating will soothe my soul. Perhaps it's be all right if, perhaps, I was eating carrot sticks or apples but chances are more likely I would be eating donuts and Oreos. I also eat to try to fill a hole in me. If my feelings are hurt or upset I want to stuff it full of chocolate or chips or anything, anything in order for me not to have to actually feel that emotion. That is some seriously unhealthy stuff right there.

So. In conjunction with quitting sugar I am trying to get generally more healthy. I am going to blog my journey in the hopes that it will help me get my head straight. And I am going to be painfully honest here. I don't know you; you don't know me. I have no reason to hide and deny mistakes. I'm sure there will be some along the way. But, you know what? I'm tired of being derailed by mistakes. I want to try to learn from them. I want to get back up on that horse and ride it into the sunset.

Day 2 - Morning

I stepped on the scale for the first time in over a month. I'm back up to 257.2 which is about 15 pounds of weight gain in the past month or so. Boo. It just makes my resolve clearer.

On the way to work I stopped at the grocery store to get supplies for the day. For breakfast I picked up a Tofu Scramble with Hash Browns & Veggies from Amy's. The ingredients are as follows:
Organic tofu (filtered water, organic soybeans, nigari [magnesium chloride, a natural firming agent]), organic potatoes, organic tomatoes, organic onions, organic spinach, organic extra virgin olive oil, organic mushrooms, organic carrots, organic zucchini, sea salt, organic garlic, nutritional yeast, spices.
It has 320 calories, 19 grams of fat (!), 19 grams of carbs, 4 grams of fiber, and 19 grams of protein. Aside from the fat, that's pretty good!

I had some coffee this morning as I wean myself off of my morning energy drink (sugar free but still). I have decided to get off artificial sweeteners but I am going to drink the Diet Pepsi I have first and then simply not buy anymore.

So, well, go team! Day two is off to a great start.

Evaporated Cane Juice Downfall.

Argh. Day one and I caved to a Julie's Organic Fudge Bar! It didn't even taste all that great. Sure, it doesn't have sugar sugar (it has evaporated cane juice) but still. Tomorrow is a new day! The next thing I put in my mouth is a new meal or snack.

Here are the ingredients:
Fresh Organic Cream, Organic Dehydrated Cane Juice, Organic Skim Milk, Organic Cocoa Processed with Alkali, Organic Vanilla, Carob Bean Gum, Guar Gum.

And it only has 100 calories (12 g sugar).

Tomorrow should go better!

Day One Without Sugar

I suppose the day after Halloween is a particularly auspicious day to quit eating sugar. It's also a challenging one if you have a hangover due to a successful Halloween party the night before. I was also planning to quit caffeine and artificial sweeteners but I definitely need my Diet Pepsi today!

I'm afraid I may have inadvertently eaten sugar in that I ate some leftover taquito casserole for brunch. I know the ingredients I used to make it were without added sugar but the taquitos themselves may have had some. At any rate, it's turkey soup for dinner (homemade) so that's all well and good.

I have been trying to come up with rules for myself. I am wanting to go more towards eating clean food because I really feel my body will respond better.

So, to get rid of sugar, here are my rules:

1) No refined sugar.
2) Maple syrup, agave nectar, honey, and molasses. I'm on the fence about rapadura and Sucanat.
3) No evaporated cane juice...at least not at first.

Seems simple, right? We'll see. I'm a HUGE sugar fiend. HUGE. But after a month long binge eating fest on sugar I am done with it. I'm ready for my body to get back to normal.

Anyway, I hope you'll follow me on this journey. I plan to write in this blog at least once a day to check in.